Bolton v Chelsea | Sleaze Magazine

Bolton v Chelsea

October 2nd, 2011 0 Comments
b74a2  John Terry David Ngog nut 007 Bolton v Chelsea
David Ngog goes rooting in John Terry’s drawers. Photograph: Andrew Yates/AFP/Getty Images

55 min: Daniel Sturridge is in the mood today. He moves to the edge of the Chelsea area and threads a lovely through ball to Drogba but Knight makes an important sliding challenge to block the Ivorian’s effort on goal. Bogdan is unconvincing from the resulting corner but Ramires fires the loose ball over the bar. It’s Ramires’s last action of the game as he’s replaced by Jon Obi Mikel.

51 min: Chelsea make a change as Branislav Ivanovic replaces Jose Bosingwa. “A psychological boost for Bolton,” reckons Alan Parry. “Thanks to Paul Southcott for the advise, but surely one gets special dispensation for looking/acting younger?” asks Ryan Dunne. “After all, I’ve been moisturising furiously since I was a teenager which, added to an interest in comics, Star Wars, Blink 182 etc etc, surely gives some wiggle room on the whole dividing your age and adding seven years thing. Surely someone’s who’s 20, and therefore technically in their third decade, really ought to be fair game for a 30-something?”

48 min: Here come Bolton again – it’s Chelsea’s turn to give up defending. Cahill is given far too much room but can’t get his shot away. Petrov then decides to go alone from distance but his shot is charged down. ” Ooh, why did Mark Hoppus call Tom Bryant a dick?” asks Ryan Dunne. “I hope Tom didn’t have a pop at that “we can live like Jack and Sally” line in I Miss You or anything?”

Goal! Bolton 1-4 Chelsea (Boyata 46) The comeback starts here. Petrov contributes positively with a teasing free kick which Boyata meets with a firm header past Cech. The last team to score four in the first half away from home was Arsenal at Newcastle. We know what happened there.

Peeeep!! The second half is underway.

Owen Coyle really can’t wait to get this over with. He’s come out early for the second half. Zat Knight is on. He’s going in goals. No he’s not. He’s replaced Steinsson.

Half time emails. My elder boy was born in 1997,” writes Gary Naylor. “It seems like five minutes ago. That he is over six foot tall now and not able to fit into a moses basket is a daily surprise to me. The older one gets the more one needs time and the faster it goes – by the time I’m 60, I expect each day to start at 7.00pm and weekends to last just long enough to watch an episode of The Simpsons.”

“Regarding Ryan Dunne’s dating dilemma,” writes Paul Southcott. “The internationally accepted standard for one’s age of shame is half your own age plus seven years. So if we assume Ryan is 32, that’d be 16 plus 7 years, or 23. Someone born after Achtung Baby was released would be 20 at the oldest, so no, it’s not acceptable. Sorry, Ryan.”

Meanwhile, from about three feet away, Tom Bryant writes: “Here’s a zinger for you Chelsea have beat Bolton 4-0 at the Reebok last season and the season before. But, in 2008/09 they were leading 4-0 at Stamford Bridge, only for Bolton to come back to make it 4-3 at full-time. That’s not a zinger is it? I’ll stick to Blink 182 news. Did you know that Mark Hoppus once called me “a dick”?”

Half time: Bolton 0-4 Chelsea. Two goals for Frank Lampard, two goals for Daniel Sturridge. A good question from Ian Copestake: “Has Sturridge been celebrating his goals or was 6 months at Bolton long enough to make him feel guilty, sheepish or in any way reluctant?” The answer is, no not really.

45 min: Three minutes of stoppage time what with all the goal celebrating on the problem with John Terry’s drawers.

44 min: A save from Bogdan! Mata moves forward, exchanges passes with Lampard on the left, before firing a shot which is going wide but Bogdan gets his body behind it and hangs on. You’ve got to start somewhere. A question from Patrick Cullen: If, as would appear more likely by the minute, Owen Coyle were to leave Bolton soon, would “Big Sam” say yes if they asked him? I think his definition of “big club” would be flexible enough now to include West Ham in the Premier League, playing at home in the Olympic Stadium, and being the man responsible for making that happen would appeal to his sense of self-definition, so that’s what he’d stick with.”

43 min: Bolton have really tightened up in these past 13 minutes. Despite this Gary Naylor is calling for reform: “Can’t the Champions League teams play amongst themselves at weekends too? That would allow the Premier League to go to 18 teams (we could add Rangers and Celtic) and there would be close fought ding-dong battles every week with a league table unpredictable from August to May. This match is only an extreme example of far too many matches week after week.”

39 min: Sturridge gets in over the top and for a moment it looks like he’ll be able to secure his hat-trick (provided he can beat Bogdan, but I think we can take that as a given at this stage) but Sturridge can’t quite gather until the angle is too tight but which time Bolton have several men back. Ryan Dunne enters the history debate: “Personally I don’t think that 1997 is all that long ago, but it surely depends on how old one is (the office junior-y ‘casual’ in Evan’s email address perhaps suggesting a young and thrusting teenager? icon wink Bolton v Chelsea ). Currently I’m debating whether, as an (early) 30-something, it’s ethically permissible to date someone younger than one’s favourite album (Achtung Baby, 1991).” Unfortunately, despite the ‘casual email address, I was at my peak teenage years in 1997 and that seems like a long time ago. I’m staying out of your dating dilemma.

35 min: Chelsea win a corner which infuriates Gary Cahill – he’s going to solve Arsenal’s defensive problems, isn’t he?. Lampard takes and Ramires nearly meets it on the six yard box. It comes off a Bolton head instead and could easily be an own goal but ricochets to safety.

33 min: Bolton look like they want to go home. Martin Petrov may have already done that. Once again Sturridge is an acres of space on the right flank but he loses his footing before he can inflict any more damage on the home side. This is the first time Chelsea have scored four times in the opening 30 minutes of a match in Premier League history.

30 min: Bolton have pushed Kevin Davies up front with David Ngog. That should do it. It seems my Spanish isn’t any better than wot my English is as Shaun Thompson points out. “Can I be one of 1,056 sad, Spanish-language pedants to point out that when you wrote that ‘John Terry has just felt the full force of David Ngog’s boot in the cajones’, you surely meant to type ‘cojones’. Cajon is ‘drawer’ as in somewhere to put that offensively-worded Christmas card from Wayne Bridge.”

Goal! Bolton 0-4 Chelsea (Lampard 25) This is officially ridiculous now. David Luiz marched 50 yards upfield – Bolton electing not to bother trying to tackle the centre back – he fired goalwards. Again it should have been a simple save by Bogdan but it bounced off his chest into the path of the onrushing Lampard who finished neatly.

Goal! Bolton 0-3 Chelsea (Sturridge 25) This is getting ridiculous. See entry at 20 minutes for build-up. This time Sturridge cut in from the right and fired a shot which should have been easily saved but Bogdan somehow managed to palm the ball into his own net.

22 min: Kevin Davies comes up with some good work to win a corner on the right. Petrov’s delivery is perfect but Lampard gets the slightest touch which takes it away from Boyata. Petrov scampers to the other side to take another corner which Boyata meets but his header drifts harmlessly wide. Ian Copestake writes: You referred in your preamble to a Bolton win as being “all the way back in 1997.” Now call me age sensitive, but 1997 doesn’t seem that long ago, so I was wondering how you would describe Blink-182 having been formed in 1992? Back in days of yore?” If it only takes a second to score a goal 14 years is a long, long time.

20 min: This might be over-simplifying it a little but Chelsea’s tactic appears to be: kick the football to the right hand side where Martin Petrov isn’t and then Daniel Sturridge has the freedom to do whatever he wants. This time Sturridge finds Juan Mata who blazes a right-footed shot over the crossbar. Petrov shakes his head ruefully. More from Ryan Dunne: ” Isn’t Ashley Cole starting a restaurant with Jay-Z? That suggests that the Chelsea dressing room rocks to the beats of Brooklyn’s finest (perhaps where Ashley got the idea of popping that cap in the work experience boy’s ass from?”

19 min: I might need to put Ryan Dunne in touch with Tom Bryant directly. ” Thanks to Tom Bryant for that!” the Dunnster writes. “Always like Tom the best on the grounds that he was the funniest Boy Band member in the All the Small Things video. I do much prefer Blink 182′s self-titled album to Take Off Your Pants and Jacket, which hopefully bodes well for an appreciation of the new album. And am I the only person alive who thought that Guns n Roses Chinese Democracy was really rather good? It had like a dozen musical genres in each song!”

17 min: This could turn into a rout. Lampard is denied a quick second by Bogdan while moments later Ramires’s touch is heavy when played in by Sturridge and he can’t get his shot on goal. “Being “that guy” I can’t help but marvel at the fact that John Terry has a set of drawers as part of his anatomy,” says that guy Jesse Galdston. “I knew the man was solid and not that fast but I didn’t know he was literally a piece of furniture.”

Goal! Bolton 0-2 Chelsea (Lampard 15) It’s beautiful football from Chelsea but it’s far too easy from a defensive point of view. Ramires and Mata are heavily involved before Sturridge squares across the area and Lampard sweeps past Bogdan in the Bolton goal.

13 min: Bolton seem to be pursuing an odd tactic of selective pressing. One minute they’re hounding the Chelsea players’ every move. The next they’re letting David Luiz amble 40 yards upfield before Gary Cahill makes a challenge on the edge of the area.

11 min: Bolton have responded well to going behind and Darren Pratley picks up a loose ball at the edge of the area but is fouled from behind by Meireles who escapes a yellow card. Where is the consistency, eh referees? At least Martin Petrov is consistent – he blasts his free kick into the wall as usual. “David Ngog’s kick to the berries just did what I think half of England has wanted to do EBJT for years,” says Bruce Cooper.

9 min: Gardner makes a break through the Chelsea midfield but good covering defending from David Luiz snuffs out the danger before the Brazilian is dumped on the ground by Ngog who picks up a yellow card. “Does Mr Bryant know what Didier Drogba thinks of Blink-182′s new album?” asks Jon Wilks. “Or is he more of an Usher man (Didier, not Tom)?”

7 min: John Terry has just felt the full force of David Ngog’s boot in the cojones. He’s down on the ground getting treatment. Alan Parry points out that “it’s a female physio as well”. Careful lads. Remember what happened to Gray and Keys? “She’s a lovely girl as well,” Wilkins chips in. As well as what?

5 min: Sturridge’s goal – timed at 92 seconds – is the quickest in the Premier League this season. I told you I’d get a review from Tom Bryant. And I told you he’d met them. “I have indeed met them,” Bryant confirms. “I like Mark the best. He’s normal. Tom’s crazy and Travis is weird. Their new album, should Ryan Dunne like to know, is better than you’d expect from a comeback of this nature – but nothing like as good as their best.”

Goal!! Bolton 0-1 Chelsea (Sturridge 1) Bolton have taken one minute to show exactly why they are bottom of the table. Daniel Sturridge is given a free header from six yards from Juan Mata’s corner and makes absolutely no mistake. It’s a simple header for the man who was on loan at the Reebok last season. The corner came after Bosingwa was given acres of space on the right and Boyata was forced to deflect his cross behind. An all-round shambles from a Bolton point of view.

Peep!!! We’re underway at the Reebok as Chelsea, all in blue, kick off playing from right-to-left. Bolton, as tradition would dictate, are playing the other way.

Ray Wilkins reckons Bolton’s tough start to the season is the reason they are at the foot of the table. “They’ve played everybody,” says Ray. You can’t argue with that.

A perceptive email. “I know you’re not in charge of the Guardian’s music section,” writes Ryan Dunne. “But I’ve been browsing and clicking refresh all week and am yet to find a review of the new Blink-182 album! WTF? I’m sure the sports desk are a down-with-da-kidz bunch of lads, so is there no chance of MBMing said album whilst doing the regular fitba commentary?” Having not heard the album I would say there is little chance of that but when my colleague, the aforementioned Mr Bryant, returns from his lunch I will pester him for his opinion. He knows everything there is to know about Blink 182. At a guess I would say he’s even met them.

In the Sky Sports studio Gareth Keenan Gary Neville reckons Owen Coyle will be concerned about how easily Bolton have been brushed aside in games this season.

Is there a manager more committed to the cause of constantly referring to it as the Barclays Premier League than Owen Coyle? No is the correct answer to that question.

Stats can prove anything. My colleague Tom Bryant has tried to convince me that Chelsea have the worst record at Bolton in the history of football or something like that (to be honest I stopped listening halfway through his sentence). Chelsea have won 19 drawn 14 and lost 24 of the previous 57 games keeping 13 clean sheets, he reckons, but I know I’m right.

The summer (otherwise known as 1 October) is over. At least it is in Bolton. It’s pouring down. That should suit [insert name here]‘s slick passing game. That should suit [inset name here]‘s tough tackling game.

Chelsea always win at Bolton, don’t they? You have to go back to November 2002 for the last time Chelsea travelled to the Reebok and left with anything less than three points, and even then it was a draw. Dean Holdsworth was the goalscorer the last time Bolton beat Chelsea at home in the league all the way back in October 1997.

But these are desperate times for Bolton. Rooted to the bottom of the table with just one win all season and 16 goals conceded in six games. Owen Coyle’s side will face a Chelsea side featuring Frank Lampard, Didier Drogba and Daniel Sturridge, who spent six happy months at the Reebok season.

Here are the line-ups for today’s game

Bolton: Bogdan; Steinsson, Cahill, Boyata, Robinson; Petrov, Pratley, Reo-Coker, Gardner; Ngog, Kevin Davies.
Subs: Lainton, Muamba, Eagles, Sanli, Knight, Mark Davies, Vela.

Chelsea:
Cech; Bosingwa, David Luiz, Terry, Cole; Ramires, Meireles, Lampard; Mata, Drogba, Sturridge.
Subs: Turnbull, Ivanovic, Romeu, Mikel, Malouda, Lukaku, Anelka.
Referee: Peter Walton (Northamptonshire)